The Reframe
Our view of the world, and everything in it, depends on the frame it’s viewed in. We all see things through a frame or “schema of interpretation” which has developed over countless experiences often dating back to when we were much younger. This frame is incredibly powerful in how we interpret events and things that happen to us. Frames are useful because they give meaning to things. Think of them like Wikipedia. They are helpful some of the time because they give us a reference point. But they don’t necessarily represent the facts, and so they often need to be heavily edited.
Let’s look at a rather simple example. Consider Anthony’s frame in this situation.
His partner of 9 years cheated on him and left.
Move forward 6 months, and he is in a new relationship. His partner cancels their date at the last minute because he/she feels unwell.
Anthony feels worried, and insecure. He considers ending the relationship.
A frame develops from past experiences, good and bad. This means that they are not always right, because they are not based on the here and now.
On the surface we can all understand and empathise with Anthony because we know his frame (he was cheated on in the past). If we didn’t know this about him – then we might incorrectly label his behaviour is an overreaction.
So how can we help Anthony Re-frame this?
First, we need to validate his frame. We need to really connect with how the trauma of his past has impacted on how he sees himself now. This will give us insight, into why he is so easily triggered. This might need more than one conversation!
Second, we need to help Anthony focus on the facts, instead of getting caught up in his “fears” and “what if” thoughts. These 4 questions are an excellent start.
What does he know about his new partner?
Has he/she given him any tangible reason not to trust?
Has his partner been open and honest up to this point?
How does he feel when he is with his partner?
Once the ground work has been laid, we can gently help Anthony to consider other possibilities. This is the Re-frame.
Maybe his partner is really sick?
Maybe he/she has something going on that they don’t feel comfortable opening up about yet?
And the final – reframe:
Being cheated on in the past, does not determine all future relationships.
Start to edit the frame, by allowing for a different experience.
Now lets come back to YOU. Consider a situation recently where you reacted negatively, or maybe just left feeling really uncomfortable. What was your frame?
Before you can learn to reframe, you need to reflect on what your frame is and how it came to be. Give yourself time to connect with and understand your perspective. This in itself is empowering because it opens the door for you to allow other possibilities/alternatives. Noticing your own frame means you are aware that it’s YOUR frame only, and other people have their own different frame. There is no objective “truth” to any situation – only multiple frames and perspectives.
Consider a car accident. You are standing on one corner and give your statement to the police about what you witnessed. Is your statement going to be the same as the person standing on the opposite corner? Probably not, yet they are both “right”.
So next time you find yourself reacting a certain way in a situation, stop and reflect. Understand the why behind your reaction and then ask yourself “what’s another way to look at this”. Try on a different frame, over time you might find it fits better the more you edit!